Welcome to Zogland

Of the many things that seriously screw my life, I'd rate going on a road trip with my family number one. Who am I kidding? Living with them is an art.
Imagine a lazy Sunday afternoon. My mom's classmate from her good ol' CUSAT days is coming over. (Disclaimer: This is not a comment on the CUSAT student community, just on my family and how CUSAT has no effect on it)
My mom's friend asks for directions to our house.
Momsy replies helpfully," It's the house with the remote-controlled gate."
And puts down the receiver.
I can't believe this is happening.
Well the thing is, it's not over, yet.
Of the many things that puzzle me to this day am why my parents took their vows? They take the most sadistic pleasure in annoying each other.
For example, to the above exchange daddy darling comes up with the very helpful comment," Do you want me to stand outside with the remote, dear?"
I force myself to believe my life depends on reading the Hindu in 5 minutes flat.
So when we travel long distance, I really dunno why my dad insists my mom give the directions, given her amazing orientation skills, which rival only mine.
But he does.
After 7 fruitless round trips around the same cupola my mom claims, "Now I remember, I've seen this shrine before."
Duh...like all of us have in the past 1/2 hour. Lots of times.
But noooo, she's sure now. Just as sure as the hour before.
Things get really heated up when you have a younger sibling of an IQ below 20.
"Why is the sky blue?”,"Why did mommy wear a red sari today?”,” Why does that granny have a hunchback?" EVERY 5 minutes can drive anyone nuts. Besides, laughing at a joke an hour after it was cracked and while daddy finally condescends to check out the road map.
Uggghh!
At this point, when daddy is fuming purple, someone digs an elbow at the Zog's side. It's funny, after an hour, even four people in a Scorpio can get stuffy. And I'm a peaceful thing really; my nose stuck in a book all along, but touch me....and its war! The Zog proceeds to unleash enough physical violence on her sister, and create enough mayhem to cause the driver to miss THE VITAL TURN. On your visit to a long-forgotten relative's house this is a carnal mistake. It's consequences are worse than death. If you turn right, you'll get there and get back home before dusk. If you miss it you float perilously in a place called the "no cell phone range and I dunno where I am" land. To make things worse, the place has not been populated by humans yet. And if any do pass by they lead you deeper into its misty, murky interiors regions...till there is no way back....except....the most long-winded and undiscovered route back home.
Of course if you are on the right route, further perils await you, like maternal instinct for instance.
When we are nearly there...as in a nanosecond away, momsy claims, "This is the wrong way. We went this way last time and we ended up on the national highway."
Your dad, who has been bestowed by the almighty with all the common sense in the world EXCEPT the sense to ignore his wife in critical situations....no points for guessing...agrees with her!!! That’s when you begin to understand what the book of Genesis was all about. Eve=dumb, Adam=dumber.
That’s not it. Owing to the relative being the Zog's relative he can give priceless directions like, "The Street that we live on has a tuition centre where my daughter goes for entrance coaching." Or better yet, "Our house is not on the same street as the Carmel hospital.” “There is a beautiful pool behind our house over which there was the loveliest rainbow yesterday. You felt you could walk on it and reach St. Peter and my father, may he rest in peace." The last guy is mildly poetic and I love a poet, so excuse him.
If we do get there we generally go through the infinite torture of "smile that smile till your jaw falls off" routine. Small talk rules. Gems like, "Ah! Babu two girls, no boys?" You asked us the same question for the last 15 years you jackass, and my dads 60 now. "Oh dear Sonia's grown so thin/dark/short/eyes are sunk/looks so tired."
Hellooo! Travelling for 30 days non-stop doesn't exactly give you glowing skin and sparkling eyes darling.
"Oh! So and so got married, whose turn is it now?"(Significant smile in my direction)
Get a life woman! And who the hell got the turn thing started? Is it like this ride in an amusement park that you queue up for? What’s with these people?
"Oh Sonia has taken after her father, you should have seen Laly at this age."
My mother is a beautiful woman, but I can't imagine life without my dad's eye-brow lift. Momsy can't crush people in the dirt with the "look" like my dad and moi.
If ever we get back home after all this crap and cheerful to boot, my ever inquisitive house-maid awaits us. “Where did you go? Who did you see? Why didn’t you go there?”
Sometimes she reminds us of those super moms. She owns the house more than we do, if you get what I mean, Hell when does it end?